Monday, September 25, 2006

Guilt: (n) the little blob on my shoulder

I've started this post about 5 times. Trying to get the right side of my brain and the left side of my brain back in sinq. It's not working too well. I'm suffering from a lot of self inflicted guilt. I wonder if that's normal or I am just being neurotic.

I haven't broken down over my Aunts death yet. A very strange thing, especially for me who cries during really touching commercials. I figured that we all worked so hard on Saturday keeping it together so that the kids would never know, I kinda burned out my emotional switch. It's feels like I've been floating around the last 48 hours in a numbed state. Then I worry that maybe I am over her death already? I mean despite there only being 7 years between our ages we weren't very close. Even so how horrible would I be if it's true. (My family is a veritable plethora of disfunctionability. The reasons for the estrangement of myself and my aunt don't mean shit now.)

This morning I woke up, got the kids up, dressed, fed, kissed hubby goodbye, normal Monday morning stuff. I don't work till 2 so here I sit. I feel fine. I want to get some work done on my story, I have a few loads of laundry to do, kitchen to clean, pool to close. Normal, Normal, Noraml. Why do I feel so guilty about it?

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